Moments,

When your voice is still knocking

On the doors of my insecurities;

When my bravery sleeps in deep intoxication like Little Briar Rose;

When I wake from a careless nap, disoriented and confused;

 

Thoughts of you

Still find their way to my mind,

Tumbling down the process of healing.

 

“You didn’t have to break my heart,”

Echoes a whisper,

Coming from Budha-knows-where.

 

“You shouldn’t have told me all those Eurythmics’ sweet little lies.”

My honest nature wished to see

Only the best in you.

 

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

Is a worn-out proverb

That shows no wish to leave my brain.

 

And I fall again.

 

Deep into

Thinking,

Analyzing,

Reframing.

 

Like I fell for you

Instantly,

Blindly,

Erotically.

 

Yet one part of me knows

You never wished to hurt my feelings,

You were speaking what was true to you,

You would have done better if you knew how.

 

By the end of the day, I was the one

Idolizing you in romantic scenes,

Serving my heart on a silver plate,

And when it all got too heavy – leaving you.

 

Illusions.

Idols.

Imagination.

They all crashed.

 

Falling of delusions hurts like an earthquake. Out of dust where once vintage ornamented buildings stood, now only some peaks of the past are blinking into the daylight.

 

I should better get to work, start building a whole new city out of the wreckage of broken ideals before day turns into blind night. Before I lose the last bits of common sense.

 

I get distracted searching for

Hints that would give me the answers I never found in your body talk;

Signs that would make sense out of this mess;

Missing pieces of the story lighten the conclusion.

 

My impatience wants to speed up the process. But I have merely two hands to build from scratch, and one of them always seems to dig through the past.

 

In the middle of

hustling,

sorting out,

sweeping;

Wisdom crosses my path.

“I got no time to waste time.”

 

I’ve outgrown the same old narratives.

I’ve buried the same painful patterns.

I’m done with playing a numb princess.

 

I don’t need to build again

From the same old shit

As I did for years.

 

And just like that

I turn around,

I walk away,

And never look back anymore.